doing alright

I've been doing alright.  I haven't bought any drugs in over 2 weeks now.  I smoke some weed with my neighbor occasionally.  Yesterday I played 6 rounds of disc golf.  There are a lot of things, like disc golf, that feel like it's not quite the same without weed.  I'm trying to train my brain to think differently.  I had noticed that I was repeating stupid mistakes when I played while baked.  Learning how to get better and keeping track of all the little things is a lot easier when you have a sober mind.

I've been getting more dreams lately.  Last night I dreamt I was at work and stormed off over an accusation that I was smoking weed at work again.

I'm almost ready to go out and start playing a few rounds, it's not even 6 in the morning yet.  The sunrise at the crack of dawn was amazing today.

bother

Earlier in the spring, I noticed some skaters had taken some retaining blocks from the retaining wall at the park that I play disc golf in.  At the time, I was picking up garbage as I played and was trying to fix the disc golf signs that had been broken.  Seeing the blocks out of place, it bothered me to see that they took the blocks that were in use and didn't touch the ones that had fallen into the creek.  I took it upon myself to carry a block back.  It was difficult and I was sore so I left a note explaining how these blocks had a purpose and if they wanted to put them back, I explained how to do it.  The next day, the note was torn in half.  I took another block that day and figuring it was a decent lil morning workout, I continued to put the blocks back, one at a time, every morning.  When I was done, I took some blocks out of the creek and left them for the skaters.

They never used them, instead, they brought in a bunch of other cinder blocks and made an actual wall.  They poured concrete in it, put steel sheets on top and added an edge so they could grind on it.

Alright, whatever, it wasn't any of my business anyway.  Yesterday, I noticed the same blocks that I put back were gone.  The gravel that I poured in was on the ground.  Today, I found them set up by the skate park area again.  It really seemed like they took those blocks, in particular, just to spite me.

I guess it's working, because I'm bothered by this.  I'm thinking of phoning the park people or someone with the authority to do something about this.

Being ready for the future

In the flood of 97, the Canadian army assisted with sandbagging.

I'd like to join a group that just did that, people that help out in disasters like a soldier.

I'm thinking that to be fulfilled in what I do, I should be putting myself in dangerous situations in order to help others.

I should at least look into it.

I can tell that I'm putting a favorable image out there.  It's hard not to.  I'm wondering how easy it is to connect my real name to this blog and I've already put some things on here that make me feel vulnerable enough.  I don't want to post my weaknesses and how I'm trying to solve these problems that I continue to create.

I am weak sometimes.

I fail.

There are a lot of "I's" in this blog post.

All my life, who am I?

Quitting

I do this a lot.  I tell myself that I'm going to stop smoking weed, and I try.  I get frustrated around people and nobody really understands.  I've been thinking about getting help in this.  I've been able to quit by myself in the past but, a lot of the times when I give it an attempt, I fail.  Today, I'm out, it'll only be a matter of time before my mind starts expecting something that I won't give it.

I've read that this is a non-unified state of mind (part of me is saying yes, while the other part is saying.  I'm living in a state of chaos when I fight myself internally.

There's only one person driving this ship and that guy does not want to be a pothead today.

I miss my dreams.  I miss being witty.  I miss the people that I care about.

I will not miss my mark.

life path

Chandra has asked me to move in with her under the condition that I quit smoking pot.

It's something that I believe is possible and I just can't imagine a life without her.  I miss her and Tal a lot and I really do want to quit wasting my time in a lifestyle that is hardly ever sober.  If I'm ever going to get up, go to school and find a more fulfilling career, I can't do it while smoking weed everyday.  I want to unleash my potential and have the ability to be there for the people that I care for.  I want to be their hero.

It seems simple, but pot and I have had a long love/hate relationship that I need to get out of.  There's going to be periods of frustration and emotional meltdowns.  I can't let those break me down.  I need to handle stress and anxiety through different means.  Jogging sounds like a good activity to get into.

Getting into photo/videography sounds like something more valuable that I should put my money into.

Heroes

I was watching one of those crime shows that deal with real life murders.  I think I had watched a few, I've "binged" on shows like forensic files before.  I hate that term being used positively.  There's an advertising campaign by shaw, a cable provider, that has a robot named "bingey"... "Hi, I'm bingey the robot, here to tell you about our new blah blah blah...", why are we praising "binge watching"?

So after watching a few, I was wondering about how many real life murders happened in that time frame.  We focus on these stories and watch it being told while new ones are happening around us constantly.  The people that make the shows are feeding off of it, they have a never-ending source of material.

This morning, I was reading about Syria, about how terrorists are holding a large population of people "hostage", shooting people as they try to escape.  There's so much going on there and it seems like we're getting minimal coverage of it.  I feel like there are a million stories worthy of being told right now, but we're all too busy watching re-runs of yesterday's "dramatic" crimes.  It's also mostly crimes from the USA.  Russia has gay people being killed and imprisoned for their sexuality, and Chechnya is probably just as close as some of these US cities, but it doesn't get the coverage like America.  Not even close.  I'm tired of Hollywood stories and sick of all these fake superhero films.

Where are the real heroes?

A trashy dream

I had a dream recently where I was swimming with some friends having a good time.  The water was moving and I could feel stuff under the surface.  Looking, I could see that we were flowing over massive amounts of garbage.  We were forced to keep our feet up to keep from scraping against it.  Looking at everyone else, they seemed to just be like, "Yep, whatever...  What are you going to do about it?"

I don't dream very often these days, I'm fairly certain that marijuana affects dreaming, I also don't sleep in very much.  

This dream made me think about how we're in a society with piles of trash under the surface but we're all just ignoring it.