Tuesday, July 14, 2020

It's been a long time.

I smoked weed again.

Addiction can sometimes feel like a mountain climb.  It's a beautiful view when you can get above the clouds and once you get over it, it get's easier.

But today it feels more like a daily fight.  Stepping in to the ring over and over.

Sometimes it feels like you've won, but you have to keep winning.

Today I failed.

Thursday, March 26, 2020

Every day it gets a little crazier

The past few weeks we've gone from everything is fine to if you go outside you might be fined.  Ok, at least not here, but other players around the world you need to get some sort of pass that says you have something essential to do, otherwise you're ordered to stay home.  I think I heard Alberta was fining people 1000$.  I've heard Germany has had strict regulations.

I still can work, we're just not supposed to have more than one trade working on a house at one time.  Chandra has lost a lot of clients and has been feeling depressed.  She got a letter saying that she's going to lose her license for 9 months.  Things around the house have been tense.  I'm trying to keep things in a happy place.  Talia has been out of school for a week and will be out for a few more.

I keep checking the numbers.  We're now over 2000 deaths a day.  Manitoba has 37 cases, no one has died yet, so that seems alright but it could start rising fast.  There is one person in critical condition.

The weather has been getting warmer and Canadians have already been cooped up in their homes all winter.  Trudeau gave a statement where he said, "Enough is enough, stay home".  I can see how for many it's tempting to get outside and enjoy a bit of fresh air and sun.  I played a couple rounds of disc golf on the weekend.  A lot of places are shutting down their parks because they're getting crowded.  People feel like it's a safe thing to do since it's outside and it's one of the last things that you can do since so many gyms and recreational businesses are shut down.  Then when everyone is doing it, it gets packed and becomes a problem.  I feel like as long as I'm going by myself and am being careful about not touching the basket, using hand sanitizer and not touching my face, I should be fine.  I can't help but feel judged now with the way people have been shunning others for not staying inside.

I haven't smoked weed for a year now.  Chandra has quit smoking and I think it's been over a month for her.  That's good, especially since smokers are more vulnerable to this lung illness.  Last year was a good year for me.  I've been feeling a lot stronger mentally and emotionally.

I do have an addiction to this golf clash game now.  It's kind of silly how serious I take it.  I could probably get a lot more done if I put it to the side.  In these dire, uncertain times, it feels like a waste of precious moments.  At the same time, it does keep me inside so I suppose it's not all negative.

Sunday, March 31, 2019

Daily victories

Some days, it feels like winning.  I feel smarter, I feel wittier, and I feel stronger.

Yesterday, I went out and tried to have a good time with some friends at a birthday party.  I knew that most of them were not pot smokers so I thought that it was a good chance to have some fun and not feel tempted.  One of them was, and he kept giving me a hard time.  

"Nobody likes a quitter"

fuck you man.  you think this is easy for me?

I don't know why, but I just couldn't enjoy myself.  I cut myself off early because I wanted to drive our daughter home safely.  As everyone else got more and more drunk, I just got tired and annoyed.

Driving her home, I vented a bit, and told her how I felt like I've become boring and just, not a fun person.  She was really kind and expressed how I'm the one that wasn't killing all of my brain cells.

It was nice, but it was one day where I didn't feel like winning.  I felt like a loser.

I did tell a joke, which I guess is not that big of a deal but I made some people laugh with it so that's pretty cool.

"Quitting weed is tough, I can't drive over a pothole without getting a craving."

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Still climbing

Feeling fucking great.  I've been going through a range of emotions and sometimes I can get really mad or pretty depressed but overall, I feel really good.  It's like pot dulls your emotions and you just don't feel the high and low ranges.  Been having dreams again, last night was really active.

Seeing people I haven't seen in a long time in my dreams.  It makes me want to see them in real life.

The more I dream the more I look forward to them.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Feeling pretty good about my chances on quitting.  A lot of times, I struggle so much but I feel pretty good about life right now.  Things seem more clear, I feel like I'm wittier and emotions seem heightened.  Work flies by when you don't smoke weed.  It seems so dumb to make the day drag on in an attempt to keep "entertained".

I scraped up a tiny bowl yesterday but other than that it's been two days.

I know I gotta be ready for times when I'm really going to miss it.  There has been a few moments where it was just so routine that I felt like I needed it but it seems like they're getting fewer and fewer.

Thinking about comedy again.  Should keep a notepad on me at all times and just work on a set.  Would be so much fun to do 5 minutes again.

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Return to the mountain

Here I stand at the bottom, gear and guts, now I got em

I feel like I 'm just a step away from victory
My addiction of the past is going to be history

Don't need flow, where I'm going to go

I'm looking up and it's time I pushed on
I'm going forward, the past is gone

Trying to quit again, sick of this shit again

Don't know if I can suffer in silence.
Don't know if I can take the mental violence

Should probably find a better poem structure

Found a fat roach this morning.  Was planning to not smoke any weed today but I guess the climb starts later. 

Monday, March 4, 2019

poems to jerk off to

Burn the desire

Put out the fire

No one wants

to get on the wire

There is no need

no mouth to feed

just another

undesired seed

Just flush it away and die tomorrow
There's no need to leave so much sorrow