Sunday, March 31, 2019

Daily victories

Some days, it feels like winning.  I feel smarter, I feel wittier, and I feel stronger.

Yesterday, I went out and tried to have a good time with some friends at a birthday party.  I knew that most of them were not pot smokers so I thought that it was a good chance to have some fun and not feel tempted.  One of them was, and he kept giving me a hard time.  

"Nobody likes a quitter"

fuck you man.  you think this is easy for me?

I don't know why, but I just couldn't enjoy myself.  I cut myself off early because I wanted to drive our daughter home safely.  As everyone else got more and more drunk, I just got tired and annoyed.

Driving her home, I vented a bit, and told her how I felt like I've become boring and just, not a fun person.  She was really kind and expressed how I'm the one that wasn't killing all of my brain cells.

It was nice, but it was one day where I didn't feel like winning.  I felt like a loser.

I did tell a joke, which I guess is not that big of a deal but I made some people laugh with it so that's pretty cool.

"Quitting weed is tough, I can't drive over a pothole without getting a craving."

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Still climbing

Feeling fucking great.  I've been going through a range of emotions and sometimes I can get really mad or pretty depressed but overall, I feel really good.  It's like pot dulls your emotions and you just don't feel the high and low ranges.  Been having dreams again, last night was really active.

Seeing people I haven't seen in a long time in my dreams.  It makes me want to see them in real life.

The more I dream the more I look forward to them.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Feeling pretty good about my chances on quitting.  A lot of times, I struggle so much but I feel pretty good about life right now.  Things seem more clear, I feel like I'm wittier and emotions seem heightened.  Work flies by when you don't smoke weed.  It seems so dumb to make the day drag on in an attempt to keep "entertained".

I scraped up a tiny bowl yesterday but other than that it's been two days.

I know I gotta be ready for times when I'm really going to miss it.  There has been a few moments where it was just so routine that I felt like I needed it but it seems like they're getting fewer and fewer.

Thinking about comedy again.  Should keep a notepad on me at all times and just work on a set.  Would be so much fun to do 5 minutes again.

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Return to the mountain



Here I stand at the bottom, gear and guts, now I got em

I feel like I 'm just a step away from victory
My addiction of the past is going to be history

Don't need flow, where I'm going to go

I'm looking up and it's time I pushed on
I'm going forward, the past is gone

Trying to quit again, sick of this shit again

Don't know if I can suffer in silence.
Don't know if I can take the mental violence

Should probably find a better poem structure


Found a fat roach this morning.  Was planning to not smoke any weed today but I guess the climb starts later. 

Monday, March 4, 2019

poems to jerk off to

Burn the desire

Put out the fire

No one wants

to get on the wire

There is no need

no mouth to feed

just another

undesired seed

Just flush it away and die tomorrow
There's no need to leave so much sorrow


Saturday, March 2, 2019

existence or extinction

My parents are approaching their 70's.

I feel like I will soon be regretting the time that I ignored them.  The rest of the family is going over for my mom's birthday and I just am not interested.

When I see her, she's usually the same cheerful person.  It's her online persona that bothers me so much.  She says a lot of horrible and ignorant things.

I feel like an asshole.  I just want to get away from them but there isn't a lot of time left to spend with them.  We'd probably have to sell the farm and that place is loaded with memories.  My brother, sister and I are going to have to inherit the business and I feel like I should be doing way better at that already.

I don't agree with their beliefs and may be a little upset with how they raised me but they didn't beat me or anything like that.

Today, I have to take Tal to her engineering thing but I think I will spend more time with my parents when I have the opportunity in the future.

Thinking about the disagreements we have, like with religion and climate change, it seems based on these disparities that neither side can prove.  In the big picture, I don't know if the fights that I'm championing are worth the effort.

Climate change is happening.  We can't stop it.  Getting on a soap box and screaming and humanity is only going to be an effort in futility.  I can't change the things I need to change.  There are no options for a pick up truck that runs on electricity and our heat comes from burning gas.

Life is going to carry on long after I'm gone.  We might have to take a step or two back and there might not be as many of us but we'll still be kicking.

I've thought about how this may be the most important fight of our existence.  That if we can't get our shit together, we're not going to build space ships and we're going to die with the planet.

I'm starting to wonder if that's just one big science fantasy.

And I remember what it's like to be a Christian, how it seems like all we have to do is correct the moral choices of society and God will take care of everything.

We're both butting heads, fearing the end of humanity and pushing for some Utopian dream, for me it's space travel or dying with the Earth, for her, it's heaven and hell.

Monday, February 25, 2019

I

I wonder how many days of my life I've played video games.

I was thinking about making a post about golf clash and talk about the mistakes I made.  How if I write them down I won't forget about them and can avoid them in the future.

Going too slow, going too fast.  Not practicing enough, taking breaks so I don't get headaches...
On this last one, I tried to not smoke as much weed, and I think it helped but I also feel like I gave myself excessive anxiety and I wonder if weed would have helped prevent that.  I know it's just a game but I feel like whenever I get put up against other people, I put in everything that I've got.

They added clans in this game in the last year and there's this desire to impress my peers and prove myself

I've been missing out.  I know that when I play, it feels like the best use of my time.  Like when I played TF2 for hours on end.  Afterwards, it doesn't feel like it was time used wisely.

I could be:

doing nice things for Chandra and Talia.

learning

writing comedy

blogging

making videos of my cat

learning how to edit videos

photography

art


I think...

I've been working my way to cutting back in the game, but recently, went all in when I got invited to one of the top 100 clans.

I wonder if it's even possible for me to cut back... just feels like playing half-ass would be a more miserable experience.

I was doing good for years, before I fell back in to this game.

Disc golf season is coming up.  I know that's where my heart is.  There will be so much more day light to do things outside.

I can always come back to gaming in the winter.  It has its place.

I need to treat pot in the same way.  I think this game and pot kind of go hand in hand.

A teacher told his student something like, "it's not making life more exciting, it's making you forget when something is boring."

I noticed that when I was cutting back to try and stay focused.  This game is like real golf where a lot of it is head game and when I start thinking that this whole thing is a waste of time, it really negatively affects my game.

Losing at a game while feeling like a loser for playing the game isn't very fun.

so I need to cut back.

I feel like I've come here to write down that I need to cut back on weed and video games too many times.

I need to find new things to write about.