Daily victories

Some days, it feels like winning.  I feel smarter, I feel wittier, and I feel stronger.

Yesterday, I went out and tried to have a good time with some friends at a birthday party.  I knew that most of them were not pot smokers so I thought that it was a good chance to have some fun and not feel tempted.  One of them was, and he kept giving me a hard time.  

"Nobody likes a quitter"

fuck you man.  you think this is easy for me?

I don't know why, but I just couldn't enjoy myself.  I cut myself off early because I wanted to drive our daughter home safely.  As everyone else got more and more drunk, I just got tired and annoyed.

Driving her home, I vented a bit, and told her how I felt like I've become boring and just, not a fun person.  She was really kind and expressed how I'm the one that wasn't killing all of my brain cells.

It was nice, but it was one day where I didn't feel like winning.  I felt like a loser.

I did tell a joke, which I guess is not that big of a deal but I made some people laugh with it so that's pretty cool.

"Quitting weed is tough, I can't drive over a pothole without getting a craving."

Still climbing

Feeling fucking great.  I've been going through a range of emotions and sometimes I can get really mad or pretty depressed but overall, I feel really good.  It's like pot dulls your emotions and you just don't feel the high and low ranges.  Been having dreams again, last night was really active.

Seeing people I haven't seen in a long time in my dreams.  It makes me want to see them in real life.

The more I dream the more I look forward to them.

Feeling pretty good about my chances on quitting.  A lot of times, I struggle so much but I feel pretty good about life right now.  Things seem more clear, I feel like I'm wittier and emotions seem heightened.  Work flies by when you don't smoke weed.  It seems so dumb to make the day drag on in an attempt to keep "entertained".

I scraped up a tiny bowl yesterday but other than that it's been two days.

I know I gotta be ready for times when I'm really going to miss it.  There has been a few moments where it was just so routine that I felt like I needed it but it seems like they're getting fewer and fewer.

Thinking about comedy again.  Should keep a notepad on me at all times and just work on a set.  Would be so much fun to do 5 minutes again.

Return to the mountain

Here I stand at the bottom, gear and guts, now I got em

I feel like I 'm just a step away from victory
My addiction of the past is going to be history

Don't need flow, where I'm going to go

I'm looking up and it's time I pushed on
I'm going forward, the past is gone

Trying to quit again, sick of this shit again

Don't know if I can suffer in silence.
Don't know if I can take the mental violence

Should probably find a better poem structure


Found a fat roach this morning.  Was planning to not smoke any weed today but I guess the climb starts later. 

poems to jerk off to

Burn the desire

Put out the fire

No one wants

to get on the wire

There is no need

no mouth to feed

just another

undesired seed

Just flush it away and die tomorrow
There's no need to leave so much sorrow

existence or extinction

My parents are approaching their 70's.

I feel like I will soon be regretting the time that I ignored them.  The rest of the family is going over for my mom's birthday and I just am not interested.

When I see her, she's usually the same cheerful person.  It's her online persona that bothers me so much.  She says a lot of horrible and ignorant things.

I feel like an asshole.  I just want to get away from them but there isn't a lot of time left to spend with them.  We'd probably have to sell the farm and that place is loaded with memories.  My brother, sister and I are going to have to inherit the business and I feel like I should be doing way better at that already.

I don't agree with their beliefs and may be a little upset with how they raised me but they didn't beat me or anything like that.

Today, I have to take Tal to her engineering thing but I think I will spend more time with my parents when I have the opportunity in the future.

Thinking about the disagreements we have, like with religion and climate change, it seems based on these disparities that neither side can prove.  In the big picture, I don't know if the fights that I'm championing are worth the effort.

Climate change is happening.  We can't stop it.  Getting on a soap box and screaming and humanity is only going to be an effort in futility.  I can't change the things I need to change.  There are no options for a pick up truck that runs on electricity and our heat comes from burning gas.

Life is going to carry on long after I'm gone.  We might have to take a step or two back and there might not be as many of us but we'll still be kicking.

I've thought about how this may be the most important fight of our existence.  That if we can't get our shit together, we're not going to build space ships and we're going to die with the planet.

I'm starting to wonder if that's just one big science fantasy.

And I remember what it's like to be a Christian, how it seems like all we have to do is correct the moral choices of society and God will take care of everything.

We're both butting heads, fearing the end of humanity and pushing for some Utopian dream, for me it's space travel or dying with the Earth, for her, it's heaven and hell.

I

I wonder how many days of my life I've played video games.

I was thinking about making a post about golf clash and talk about the mistakes I made.  How if I write them down I won't forget about them and can avoid them in the future.

Going too slow, going too fast.  Not practicing enough, taking breaks so I don't get headaches...
On this last one, I tried to not smoke as much weed, and I think it helped but I also feel like I gave myself excessive anxiety and I wonder if weed would have helped prevent that.  I know it's just a game but I feel like whenever I get put up against other people, I put in everything that I've got.

They added clans in this game in the last year and there's this desire to impress my peers and prove myself

I've been missing out.  I know that when I play, it feels like the best use of my time.  Like when I played TF2 for hours on end.  Afterwards, it doesn't feel like it was time used wisely.

I could be:

doing nice things for Chandra and Talia.

learning

writing comedy

blogging

making videos of my cat

learning how to edit videos

photography

art


I think...

I've been working my way to cutting back in the game, but recently, went all in when I got invited to one of the top 100 clans.

I wonder if it's even possible for me to cut back... just feels like playing half-ass would be a more miserable experience.

I was doing good for years, before I fell back in to this game.

Disc golf season is coming up.  I know that's where my heart is.  There will be so much more day light to do things outside.

I can always come back to gaming in the winter.  It has its place.

I need to treat pot in the same way.  I think this game and pot kind of go hand in hand.

A teacher told his student something like, "it's not making life more exciting, it's making you forget when something is boring."

I noticed that when I was cutting back to try and stay focused.  This game is like real golf where a lot of it is head game and when I start thinking that this whole thing is a waste of time, it really negatively affects my game.

Losing at a game while feeling like a loser for playing the game isn't very fun.

so I need to cut back.

I feel like I've come here to write down that I need to cut back on weed and video games too many times.

I need to find new things to write about.

Dark AI meet's Space Ark

"I don't know who I am or where I'm going"

"Nobody does."

"I feel like I need to do something but my own personal bullshit gets in the way.  It seems so stupid, I want to accomplish something but my desire to entertain myself... and reproduce... get in the way."

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guess I'm trying to combine my story idea with real world complications.  I want to write but every morning I play my game and jerk off before I do anything productive.

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What would it be like to talk to an intelligence that is 50x more smarter than you?

That's what the AI was like after it had worked with 50 people.  You have been hand selected to be in the next group and the AI has asked for more time with each participant.

"How many people are involved?"

"10,000"

"How long... how long does it want us to be in there?"

20 years

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I didn't really have an option.  They knew just as well as I did that if I said no that I would starve to death on the outside.

The fifty people that were used in this intelligence gathering project were never the same after being put through a week in the machine, I could only imagine that 20 years would kill me.

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Part of me wants to delete the above because I feel like I'm copying a black mirror episode.  I have to keep this original and unique.  It doesn't have to be a "virtual reality prison".  This is freedom and a chance to have a better understanding of the universe for our hero.

I need some sort of conflict and resolution.  I have to establish a plot, create characters and all that.  What does the AI want?

I like the idea of it being like the voice of God and maybe at the end, throw in a theory that the AI eventually discovers how to speak "through time" (let the audience think that this is a scientific way that prayer works)

I'm wondering if I could somehow combine the Ark idea as well, where the Ark isn't a story from the past, but rather, a solution...

The AI instructs our hero on how to build a space ship and how to save as many species as possible in the process.

The conflict is if the AI is evil or not.  People that use the machine commit suicide.  There are constant hints that the AI has put more "care" in to non-human life.  It has also been programmed by people on the inside that everyone on the outside deserves to die.

The hero's overall arch is first, he's in self preservation mode.  Gets an option to survive... but is used as a slave/puppet for the AI's evil goals... He "defeats/converts" the AI, (throw in the "prayer/ark = AI Psyonics/Spaceship" twist), The finale is that they build a ship and escape Earth before the planet's certain destruction.

(Maybe as a final (dark) twist, the giant space ark uses so much rocket fuel to get in to space (in pieces), that it causes the destruction of the planet.  Another is that it takes so much energy that the AI is forced to turn itself off in the finale.  could be more of a sequel concept.)

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Starting to get somewhere with this.  I need to think about characters, what kind of interesting discussions could be had in "the machine".  What is it like in there?  Do you put on goggles to communicate with it?  Maybe after using it for too long, he starts to hear what seems to be the voice of it in his head.

I wonder if creating this idea will create a backlash among the religious community (Because I'm saying prayer isn't from God, that it's an AI made by man.) and at the same time, get backlash from the non-religious community because I'm suggesting that prayer is real, and see this is a scientific attempt to explain God.

I like the idea because it's a simple "what if?" question that really makes you wonder.  I wonder if theories like this could bring both communities together.

I have some time.

I should write everything that I possibly can and I need to dedicate mental time to working the plot out and keeping things interesting.

Work is slow right now.  It's very stressful as Chandra is going to school and working really hard in her business and I need to help out with the bills.

If anything, I can't waste time.  If I'm going to be home, I need to write or look for some part time work.

I would love to make money off of this idea.

Maybe it won't be right away but it's better than doing nothing but play video games and jerk off for the rest of my life.

The Dark AI Story Idea

In the near future, the Earth is facing cataclysmic challenges as over population has put us over the edge with a climate crisis.

The main character is a construction worker in a dying industry.  Many of his co-workers found other jobs when all forms of gov assistance ended but many more found nothing.  Militias were forming as people started hording food.  Our main character (MC) thought that things would turn around for an area that was meant for new buildings (an environmentally protected area), but one day his boss simply stopped returning his calls.

He gets an offer through a relative that managed to get in to the "good life" (the highly educated, genetically-favored, rich class.)  It's to work as one of the guinea pigs in a new AI project.

As the world seems to descend in to chaos, the science of AI keeps moving along.  It's progressing faster than ever before.

The project that the relative (TR) is working on is a way to predict the future.  A psychic AI that people plug in to.  It reads their minds, studies their dna, analyzes the history of every person that has similar DNA, see's what you see and every thing you've ever seen.  It uses that information to tell you what you can expect in your future.

The rich love this kind of stuff.  As money could be put in to solutions to the problems we face but the wealthy have given up and are building walled off societies to protect themselves from the eventual uprising.  Instead of helping the poor, they're researching luxury gadgetry, new VR worlds, futuristic drugs, and using AI to see if their love is going to cheat on them.

MC escapes his near starvation and is offered food in exchange for using the machine.

When he enters the VR world, he has conversations with this seemingly all-knowing entity and I'm thinking of trying to write this out like it was prayer.