Tuesday, July 29, 2008

9714: write, right?

Life is strange when you try to live it in an interesting way for the sake of good story telling.

Why are we here anyways? Maybe we were created for entertainment. It sure seems like it sometimes.

So, yeah, maybe I fucked myself in to a pickle, whatever, someones probably getting a kick out of it somewhere.

Or maybe we're just a random spark in the middle of empty space for no reason whatsoever... right....

An agnostic view is a very strange one. Where everyone else has stability and is certain they know what's going on, I have a big question mark over my head. Some people see it as lack of decision making, but I see it as we're all swimming in a sea of chaos and confusion and the Agnostic's are the only ones brave enough to admit it.

It's all been said before...

For me, right now.... Writing has been so much more healthy then anticipated. Journal, diary, blog, whatever. I had so many misconceptions, how people just do it for attention or it's a "chick" thing, or it's childish. When the reality is that it puts your life in to perspective. It gives you a moment to think about and record your life. Putting them online for the world to see, even if no one reads it, is healthy in many different ways. It's hard to describe, so all I can do is highly recommend it.

Especially if your life is a cluster fuck.

Monday, July 28, 2008

9713: getting off the roller coaster

Crazy weekend. I probably could have drank less, but I was planning on getting plastered and that's what I did. Seeing Amanda and Matt together was more awkward then expected. In time, everything will be fine, but I'm alone now and I can't help my natural instinct.

I'm happy that I was able to maintain some level of composure even if I said too much at times.

I've been like an open book lately. I just stopped caring. The last line that I have yet to cross is putting everything that I write online. I think I will eventually, it should make for a good read.

Team Ramrod was once again, the loud drunk team. We bellowed our anthems, waved our flags, drank hard, and paddled with strength, determination and drive.

I am so sore right now. The night before last, I slept under the stars. Probably one of the most surreal experiences of the summer. Whenever the mosquitoes weren't bugging me, I'd sneak a peak and finally get a moment just to stare at the majestic stars in all their glory.

I know, I'm a geek, but I just can't help but marvel about the big picture once in a while.

I'm taking a break from dating for now to get my life in order, but when I get back in the saddle, I'll probably be looking for someone that can appreciate star-gazing.

Friday, July 25, 2008

9710: Dragon-boat weekend

getting fucked up tonight.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

9709: life path

Numerology. I stumbled on this info while checking how many days old I am. Reading it, I was like, "bullshit, why would adding a date together determine your traits. Your genes create who you are, not the position of the sun and the moon in the sky."

But then, reading it over, it's almost creepy how all of the features seem to describe me to a tee:

The Life Path 1 suggests that you entered this plane with skills allowing you to become a leader type rather easily. Your nature is charged with individualistic desires, a demand for independence, and the need for personal attainment. Many of our military generals, corporate leaders, and political leaders are men and women having the Life Path 1. When you display positive 1 traits your mind is capable of significant creative inspiration, and it possesses the enthusiasm and drive to accomplish a great deal. You are very good at getting the ball rolling; initiating new projects is your forte. You are at your best when confronted with obstacles and challenges, as you combat these with strength and daring. This is both the physical and inner varieties of strength. With this strength comes utter determination and the capability to lead. As a natural leader you have a flair for taking charge of any situation. You have a tendency to do this, even if, at times, it is not appropriate for you to do so.

Highly original, you may have talents as an inventor or innovator of some sort. In any work that you choose, your independent attitude can show through. You have very strong personal needs and desires, and you feel it is always necessary to follow your own convictions. You tire of routine and highly detailed tasks rather quickly.

You are ambitious and assertive in promoting yourself. Although you may hide the fact for social reasons, you can be self-centered and demand to have your way in many circumstances. That said, for the most part, you are considered very good company, friendly, good-natured, and a wonderful conversationalist. People like you and are drawn to you. It is a good thing they are, because you are very sensitive to disapproval and you don't handle it very well.

There are several ways that the negative side of the 1 can show up. The 1 always has the potential for greatness as a leader, but they may fail as a follower. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to follow for a while before you are allowed to lead and this can be a difficult time. When the 1 Life Path person is not fully developed and expressing the negative side of this number, the demeanor may appear very dependent rather than independent, particularly in the early years. If you are expressing this negative trait of the number 1, you are likely to be very dissatisfied with your circumstances, and long for self-sufficiency. This might be defined as the weak or dependent side of the negative 1 Life Path. On the strong side of this negative curve, the 1 energy can become too self-serving, selfish and egotistical. Avoid being too bossy and demanding.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

9706: Guitar

At least I have good news. I wanted to at least get started learning how to play the guitar, or get in to it more, and with my recent break up, I have been. Writing every day now. Not enough... Everyone's life has really interesting parts, and it's a shame that we don't just write them down when they happen and share our life story's when we're living less interesting lives.
I seen how this roller coaster ride looked, but I didn't know it would feel. Almost a little too extreme. I miss the stability of marriage which creates a complicated issue where I seek it with other people but have to tear myself away so I can see what else is out there. I'm not used to this lifestyle. My enter key isn't working. I think my computer has been hacked but I just stopped caring. I couldn't sleep last night. I need to find inner peace.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

9704: holy shit

too personal to put on the web...


Friday, July 18, 2008

9703: Awesome

It was great to see Amanda and Matt yesterday and see how cool everything is. We all agreed we married too young. Unreal. I know it doesn't make for interesting story-telling, but I think stories focus too much on conflict.

I never knew it was even possible to see your wife with another person and be totally cool with it.

I guess since I'm seeing other people, it pretty much takes away any spite.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

9702: I liked this blog better when my life was boring

It was a place where I could put down my thoughts, think outside the box and show my ideas.

Now all I can think about is Women.

I know Amanda might actually read this, and I hope you know that I still care for you. I care for you enough that I want you to be happy with other people.

I've been going through my ups and downs too, and while I miss the stability, I have a feeling that this is something that I needed to help myself.

I'm sorry if your mad at me, and your going to be here soon and it's going to be awkward as hell.

you'll probably be reading this after we separated our account and I hope you know why I have to be cold in this situation. I know it hurts but in the end I'm confident we'll be better people from this.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

9701: life change

I really need to take this perspective shift in the right direction. I don't know if I should be dating when I should be furthering my education.

I know I need to do it, and my inability to get off my ass was a big problem in our marriage. A lot of it was other things, but that's my demon that I need to overcome.

I need to quit working for my dad and step in to the real world.

Monday, July 14, 2008

9699: 46 + 2

I feel like I need to make a public statement. Like all my friends are looking at me to say the right thing and I'm sorting things out so I can say it right. This is not my public statement, I don't know what the right thing to say is, so this is just me trying to sort the situation out.

To smile and stride in the face of adversity is a great accomplishment.

Life is what we make of it.

Right now, I'm single again, independent, and feeling pretty good. Part of me is saying, "get upset." but I disagree. I mean sure, anytime I think, "my wife hooked up with a close friend of ours, one who was married as well, but where there separation wasn't as clean of a break.", it sounds like I should be freaking out.

but I'm looking at is an opportunity to get my ass in gear, shift in to a positive perspective and develop a stronger Caleb.

So I laugh it off, and move on. A little too quickly maybe, but the excitement of meeting new people is intense and I'm enjoying it.

I feel bad for the relationships that are messed up because of this, but that's not my fault at all. I hope the guys wife (I don't want to use any names out of respect) can get through this as well as I have.

When the dust settles, things will be different, and it's just way too complicated to predict how things will end up, but I'm sticking to my guns when I say I want to lose as few friends as possible. I'm going to try my best to stay level-headed and not step on any toes.

I probably have already and don't know it yet. I'm usually on top of things, but this is just way too complicated for my poor little brain, lol.

comedy is the cure, but it's so hard. Have you ever had that? Where you know you should cheer up, have a chuckle but it's so hard to get in that mode.

but, I'm going to keep at it, like a tug of war, I will fight off depression like it was a virus.

I'm going to end here. Maybe in the future, I'll give juicy details for any random people on the internet looking for entertainment through other peoples misery, but out of respect for the people that are really feeling miserable, I need to back off and just say,

Everything will be alright. It always is.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

9698: Ramrod

things are so crazy right now. Interesting though. I'm not sure how much I should put online...

Saturday, July 12, 2008

9697: guitars, bikes and cats.

Why does everything in life always seem like a game?

Should we really be taking it so seriously?

Friday, July 11, 2008


The 9696th day of my life. It has a nice ring to it. I wish I could commemorate this occasion, but I'm not sure how. Something to do with 6's and 9's....



Part of the reason for keeping track of how many days old I am was to create goals before I reach 10,000. I haven't bothered to put them up here because I'm afraid that if I document them and then fail at them that, well, it just doesn't look good.

But I suppose that if I'm too afraid to list my goals for fear of failing them that from the broad perspective, it's a pretty weak attempt at tackling goals.

So here are the ones that I wrote down on paper when I started this thing:

1: Write as much as you can (was planning on doing this every day, but it's hard to find the time)

2: Learn how to play the guitar (have already started this, but I think I should make a more clear goal, like learn how to play an entire song on guitar)

3: fly (I really want to learn how to fly an ultralight. If, by the time I'm 30, I own a place outside of Winnipeg with a run-way and an ultralight, I will be a very, very happy man) For the sake of this goal, I think just going for a ride and seeing the costs would be good for now.

4: University, career analysis... This is a very broad goal. I'm 26 years old and while I make decent money as a carpenter, I really want to do something else. I just don't know what that is yet. The problem is that my aspirations change from day to day. I'm currently in the process of writing a book and I'm confident that it's a really great story, something unique and out of this world, but still relevant to every day life. I would love to learn more about writing and maybe go down that venture. Perhaps write a column for a magazine or website.

I really want to make a difference in the world too. I would love to learn how to make video games and put them to good use like the driver simulation idea. A good friend of mine was killed because of foolish driving and that is something that could have been avoided if the driver could have been trained better. It just really bothers me that the technology is there, yet vehicle accidents are the number one cause of death for people under the age of 35. Theres so much bloody money being poured in to cancer research and that's all well and good, but a simulation used to train drivers how to react in emergency situations would go miles to preventing young tragedies.

That particular idea, I'm pretty fond of. I've been told that I should pick something that I'm passionate about, and I really want to have a noble cause. I think that's what I want to do.

I'm not really sure how to go about doing it, or to see what progress has been made.

I think I'll look to the U of M for advice.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

9695: divide

so, I don't know if I want to put this out there, but whatever. My wife and I have decided to part ways after 5 years of marriage. Surprisingly, things are not that bad. We're both intelligent, stable-minded people and we seen this coming a while back. We just grew in to two incompatible people. I hope she finds someone that can truly make her happy, because she really is a great person.

I hope she thinks the same about me.

Being alone sucks though. When the company of your cat is all you have, things can get a little depressing. Although, in my life, I've seen my share of depressing moments and have learned to steer clear of them. Even when life is rough, there are always positive things to look forward to.

You also need the bad times to appreciate the good. The weird thing is, because I know this, I'm watching her go, and it doesn't really bother me. So, should I allow myself to sink in to a depression just so I can appreciate the good times?

I say no. I know what it's like, why should I? If I can get through my day without wallowing in self-pity, then right on. Life is beautiful. It's worth living.

So anyways... I'll probably be writing a lot more now. I hope my drama is interesting for others.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

9693: community website idea

I was thinking of this website idea for apartments where there isn't already a system in place.

It could be just like a facebook app or something where it's completely optional for anyone in the neighborhood to sign up, and there can be preset programs for organizing sporting events, activities and so on.

There could also be a favor bank where people did favors for one another. Maybe earning points or whatever. All the gamers would love it,

10 exp points for mowing mrs. smith's lawn, congrats, you leveled up.

A lot of great things could be done with something like this, like keeping people advised on crime in the area, for instance.

"grey bike stolen off the corner of such and such"

I was also thinking, for places that get a lot of noise complaints due to thin walls, they should have an audible reader so you can see how much noise your making. This allows the landlord to have a restriction on how many decibels you can put out. This is good for the tenants because then there is a set limit on how much noise you can make, instead of varying from one persons tolerance level to another.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

9688: Gamers

A gamer is a hero-wannabe

The beautiful thing about video games is how they keep getting more realistic.

Why are we simulating stealing cars when we could be pretending to save lives.

You never know when an accident might happen and you need to have efficient medical training and knowledge on the subject.

It's not that hard. You just need a different type of video game designer. Someone that knows how to make a realistic situation exciting.

For example:

I've been thinking of a driving simulator so realistic it can be used to train teenagers on how to drive. It could even be used on a regular occasion to test people's reflexes and abilities as drivers.

If they wanted to put such a game in to schools, they could make competitions out of it. Even allow mod's, if kids want to race, let them do it. Maybe even offer it as a reward for completing all the tests.

Let them see the realism of what happens when you make mistakes. Violence glorified is a bad thing, but violence to desensitize the public so we can react in the face of danger is a good thing.

That's good game design. Don't horrify. Horror is stupid. True horror is driving like an idiot and hitting someone.

Why are we still testing drivers the old fashioned way? While video games right now, will not match the true physics and complications of driving in the real world, they can get close enough to test, analyze and train people.

So, where would one start with this? I think the government needs to allocate funds to ideas like this one.

With all the money in the world, wouldn't it make perfect sense to invest in a game that would save money and lives.

Get a team that knows what their doing and keep them motivated and inspired to create an ultra-realistic simulation for a good cause.

Here are some random thoughts on the technical details:

The game would need to be update-able.

It would need to be cheap.

It should be available to everyone.

The design is key.

Now that I think of it, I should probably write down my ideas. Post your thoughts