bother

Earlier in the spring, I noticed some skaters had taken some retaining blocks from the retaining wall at the park that I play disc golf in.  At the time, I was picking up garbage as I played and was trying to fix the disc golf signs that had been broken.  Seeing the blocks out of place, it bothered me to see that they took the blocks that were in use and didn't touch the ones that had fallen into the creek.  I took it upon myself to carry a block back.  It was difficult and I was sore so I left a note explaining how these blocks had a purpose and if they wanted to put them back, I explained how to do it.  The next day, the note was torn in half.  I took another block that day and figuring it was a decent lil morning workout, I continued to put the blocks back, one at a time, every morning.  When I was done, I took some blocks out of the creek and left them for the skaters.

They never used them, instead, they brought in a bunch of other cinder blocks and made an actual wall.  They poured concrete in it, put steel sheets on top and added an edge so they could grind on it.

Alright, whatever, it wasn't any of my business anyway.  Yesterday, I noticed the same blocks that I put back were gone.  The gravel that I poured in was on the ground.  Today, I found them set up by the skate park area again.  It really seemed like they took those blocks, in particular, just to spite me.

I guess it's working, because I'm bothered by this.  I'm thinking of phoning the park people or someone with the authority to do something about this.

Being ready for the future

In the flood of 97, the Canadian army assisted with sandbagging.

I'd like to join a group that just did that, people that help out in disasters like a soldier.

I'm thinking that to be fulfilled in what I do, I should be putting myself in dangerous situations in order to help others.

I should at least look into it.

I can tell that I'm putting a favorable image out there.  It's hard not to.  I'm wondering how easy it is to connect my real name to this blog and I've already put some things on here that make me feel vulnerable enough.  I don't want to post my weaknesses and how I'm trying to solve these problems that I continue to create.

I am weak sometimes.

I fail.

There are a lot of "I's" in this blog post.

All my life, who am I?

Quitting

I do this a lot.  I tell myself that I'm going to stop smoking weed, and I try.  I get frustrated around people and nobody really understands.  I've been thinking about getting help in this.  I've been able to quit by myself in the past but, a lot of the times when I give it an attempt, I fail.  Today, I'm out, it'll only be a matter of time before my mind starts expecting something that I won't give it.

I've read that this is a non-unified state of mind (part of me is saying yes, while the other part is saying.  I'm living in a state of chaos when I fight myself internally.

There's only one person driving this ship and that guy does not want to be a pothead today.

I miss my dreams.  I miss being witty.  I miss the people that I care about.

I will not miss my mark.

life path

Chandra has asked me to move in with her under the condition that I quit smoking pot.

It's something that I believe is possible and I just can't imagine a life without her.  I miss her and Tal a lot and I really do want to quit wasting my time in a lifestyle that is hardly ever sober.  If I'm ever going to get up, go to school and find a more fulfilling career, I can't do it while smoking weed everyday.  I want to unleash my potential and have the ability to be there for the people that I care for.  I want to be their hero.

It seems simple, but pot and I have had a long love/hate relationship that I need to get out of.  There's going to be periods of frustration and emotional meltdowns.  I can't let those break me down.  I need to handle stress and anxiety through different means.  Jogging sounds like a good activity to get into.

Getting into photo/videography sounds like something more valuable that I should put my money into.

Heroes

I was watching one of those crime shows that deal with real life murders.  I think I had watched a few, I've "binged" on shows like forensic files before.  I hate that term being used positively.  There's an advertising campaign by shaw, a cable provider, that has a robot named "bingey"... "Hi, I'm bingey the robot, here to tell you about our new blah blah blah...", why are we praising "binge watching"?

So after watching a few, I was wondering about how many real life murders happened in that time frame.  We focus on these stories and watch it being told while new ones are happening around us constantly.  The people that make the shows are feeding off of it, they have a never-ending source of material.

This morning, I was reading about Syria, about how terrorists are holding a large population of people "hostage", shooting people as they try to escape.  There's so much going on there and it seems like we're getting minimal coverage of it.  I feel like there are a million stories worthy of being told right now, but we're all too busy watching re-runs of yesterday's "dramatic" crimes.  It's also mostly crimes from the USA.  Russia has gay people being killed and imprisoned for their sexuality, and Chechnya is probably just as close as some of these US cities, but it doesn't get the coverage like America.  Not even close.  I'm tired of Hollywood stories and sick of all these fake superhero films.

Where are the real heroes?

A trashy dream

I had a dream recently where I was swimming with some friends having a good time.  The water was moving and I could feel stuff under the surface.  Looking, I could see that we were flowing over massive amounts of garbage.  We were forced to keep our feet up to keep from scraping against it.  Looking at everyone else, they seemed to just be like, "Yep, whatever...  What are you going to do about it?"

I don't dream very often these days, I'm fairly certain that marijuana affects dreaming, I also don't sleep in very much.  

This dream made me think about how we're in a society with piles of trash under the surface but we're all just ignoring it.

Ark Battles

Another story idea for today.

This one takes place in the near future.  Planet Earth discovers that it's going to die through our observations.  We have to build a space ship that can house people in it, indefinitely.

I was thinking of going with an asteroid event, but I've been playing with the idea of global warming or another human caused catastrophe.  A lot of the initial drama is people fighting to be the ones to go.  I would love to get in to the details on how this would be proposed.  I also need to find out how many people would be required to get enough diversification in the DNA of the population.  How much room would be needed for plants and animals?  Which plants/animals should be taken?

Do the people take tests?  Olympic style challenges to see who is the best from each nation/race?  IQ tests?

What would be done to prevent any unnecessary diseases or ailments from coming with?

How big would it need to be to house everything required where the life could survive indefinitely.

Hypothetically, what if we never really got any new huge breakthroughs when it comes to technology?  What if we're almost at the top and we're just refining what we have?  There is a wall when it comes to technology progress, every research tree has to come to an end eventually.

So if that is the case, how could we build this ship using what we have, now?  How long would it take?

I was thinking of writing about multiple generations of people, where it takes hundreds of years to build and thousands of years to get anywhere.  The initial construction takes place in space, using robots to build it out of an asteroid.  The humans go through test runs, living in isolated facilities.  They have conflicts and there are fights about which families should go.

People on the Earth that didn't pollute/harm it so much are upset because it's mostly the rich who are going and they are the ones that could have helped the planet but didn't.

So, I was thinking of making this a surprise to the reader later, but it turns out they built a second ark and they both used the same "exit strategy" on leaving the solar system.  They end up leaving in a long orbit of one another, where they pass close by each other every X amount of years.  They fight each other when this happens.  At some point, the power goes out, everything but the emergency stuff.  This cuts off the information and over time, they forget who they are.  It turns out that the other ship has hacked their system, even turning their robots against them before they board and try to take over.

The God code

This is a story idea about a new kind of inventing.  The concept is that in the future, we're going to be able to "hack inside animal brains" and copy that information into an super intelligent machine.

To fly drones better, a team of scientists study birds and by analyzing their brain waves, they've digitized their thought processes and in the near future we can fly drones like a bird flies.

While hacking the brain, we uncover something.  It shows that everything around us has been created by something, some call it the God code.  We discover that the planet is in a simulation, a controlled environment, that solar systems are like alien petri dishes.  While, many interpret this as proof that their religion is correct and churches become filled again (in the near future, religion is almost dead), the scientists diligently work to discover more.

They find out that whatever made them has died (God, our creator, is dead), but we've been left stuff to advance and help us encounter the true problems of the universe (some nemesis, maybe an alien?)

One idea I've been thinking of is how humans have gone through a series of challenges already.  Like, a lot of other species have had runs at dominating planet Earth and, while some had good runs, their lack of intelligence prevented them from a experiencing a planet wide extinction.  Or, rather, the life that used to exist, has evolved into something different.  

I sometimes think about how legs were evolved so fish-like creatures could exist on land, maybe intelligence evolved so Earth-like creatures can exist in space.

While, being at the top of the food chain might feel like that's all there is, what if we're actually competing against other aliens right now?  They're going through the same dominance/intelligence battle that we went through.

So the story could help bring this to light.  By discovering our creator is dead, we encounter that life was an experiment, or maybe our creator saw the ending come for her/him and "planted" us just so life could go on...

Maybe our next challenge, is to find our which species, galaxy-wide, is the most competent.

So, instead of this loving figure that's here to solve our problems, instead, it's a harsh emotion-less being that's putting us and other life-forms against each other to decide who should be the next successor to the "throne of the universe", or rather, uncover the secrets of reality.

The fight is necessary like the fighting of survival as fish in the ocean is necessary.

It's part of life.  Nature is metal and so are we.

Solo

It was Chandra's birthday party on the weekend.  I helped set up, but I didn't go.  I felt so tired and depressed that I felt like she would have a better time without me.  Some of her friends that were going to be there, I really didn't want to see and I couldn't imagine myself faking a smile for a night.  I've also been quitting drinking, more or less, I knew if I had anything, it probably would have lead me to saying something I'd regret.  I've also got this fucking athletes foot/jock itch driving me crazy and I decided to try a different product to clear it up.  So I went home and had a date with an antifungal cream.

I think I was feeling upset with myself because I told her I'd be taking steps towards

-Quitting drugs

-Going to school

-Getting a new job

and I haven't done anything.

I feel like I have a great potential that I am not fully realizing.  I don't care if it's an ego thing, I don't feel like it is... I think I have a strong mind and it should be put to use in the right place.  At least, I need to feel like I'm working towards something I chose and I believe in.

I've been thinking about talking to a doctor about being depressed but part of me knows that they're just going to give me drugs.  The reasons why I'm sad, I don't feel like it's abnormal, like I should feel sad and drugs are not the answer.

I don't feel happy about where we're going as a society.  I don't like building homes for an ever-growing, wasteful, self-indulgent species.  I try to live with minimal requirements, everything I own is a hand-me-down, I don't travel.  I mean, I'm kind of a bum, but, I feel like I might have my reasons.  Society wants me to go work 9-5, buy a big house, bigger t.v, etc... we just end up in a cycle of desire and our eyes are blind to the world that we're ignoring.

I never had any children, (that I know of).  I've seen a lot of people dedicate their lives to their children.  I had been working for Chandra and Tal, but I guess, it wasn't enough, and now I have nothing.  I have a cat that I come home to that I love, maybe too much.

Leaving this planet without any kids could be one of the best things that I can do for the Earth.  I wonder though, all the other people having kids, will they raise them the way I would?  Or are they feeding them the same, "God gave us all of the plants and animals for us to use." bullshit that my parents fed me?  Will they have the money to have a big family and continue to spread their ignorant ways across the planet.  Will I die building big homes for their children while I scrape by in some tiny house?

lost and lonely

Every morning I've been heading to a park that's close to me and I play a round of disc golf.  It's very therapeutic, I like to get out and play without worrying about anyone in the way.  I take my time and watch the animals.  My cat has gotten used to waking me up very early.  I keep letting her so she probably thinks she's doing a good job.  This morning, the sun was just barely up, I leaned over and saw her out like a light, sleeping hard.  I started petting her, gave her that signature, "what the?! oh it's you." purr/meow.

I really like my cat.  My (ex?) girlfriend's daughter is letting me watch her.  I don't know if my admiration for my cat is just how I am or if it's because it came from Tal.  I miss them a lot...  I saw them yesterday, helping Chandra move a dishwasher.  I felt like I was being used, but it was still nice to see them.

I washed my face when I got there, I hadn't had taken the time to wash up after work and it gave me an opportunity to cry.  Every time I go there, I struggle to keep myself together.  I appreciate being there but it hurts sometimes.

I told her that maybe we're not right for each other.  It's been almost a year of living apart and I don't get why we're living in this state of limbo.  She wants me to get my shit together but as far as quitting pot and working more, I haven't been doing it.  I've tried and failed a few times.  I promised that I'd take steps towards going to school and finding another job that I enjoy.  I haven't been doing anything with that.  She thinks we are right for each other and wants me to work on myself.

I've been thinking about looking for help.  There are some online sections that I could post in.

I think I need to move.  My neighbor is always offering to get me high, it's all he ever wants to do.  He's a nice guy and good friend but as far as getting away from weed, he only encourages me to give up on that idea.  I want to be strong, when I quit smoking cigarettes, I did it while living with a smoker.  It's not easy, but I managed that.

Pot is a drug that I've gotten really comfortable with.  I quit (sorta) drinking this year and it's not that big of a deal.  Pot is something that I've quit but every few months it keeps coming back.

I might not be able to quit it when it's so easily accessed.  Moving would make it easier.

Every morning, I get ideas on things to write about while playing disc golf.  I never get around to it though, usually when I'm done my round I have to go to work.  It seems like a topic that I always blog/journal about is quitting weed and working more.  I guess I don't expect anyone to ever read this so I use it as a pep talk to myself.  The results are usually the same.

I smoke too much pot and skip on work too much.

Lately, I've been playing so much disc golf that a hip that I've had problems with for a long time has been acting up.  I'll get sharp pains going up and down ladders, especially when I'm holding any weight.  It's been really hot and I get these itchy spots in sweaty areas.  Once it gets to the afternoon, I'm usually finding ways to bail and get away.

I wanted to go swimming yesterday, I thought it would be a good way to help get rid of the excess sweat and cool off.  After doing some work in the morning, I got a call from Chandra in the afternoon.  That's when she asked for help.  I didn't want to tell her that I wanted to go be a beach bum for the afternoon so I reluctantly agreed to help her.

She already has a dishwasher, she didn't like the look of the old one and said it wasn't good enough.  She always complained about "stainless steel" appliances because they're harder to clean but that's the kind she got.  I don't have shit, I don't get help for shit, I do my dishes with my old-ass looking dish pan hands and I'm fine with that.

She had these bruises on her arms.  She said they were from a door falling on her but they really looked like finger marks, like someone was holding her down.  I noticed a similar bruise pattern from much earlier in our relationship, when we were still dating.  I wondered if she was seeing someone else and if that person was rough with her.  Now I'm thinking that she's seeing this person again.  I hate suspicions like this.  I don't know if writing this down is the best idea.  I don't want to send the wrong message from just a feeling.  Does it matter?

What's the point in anything?

I'm confused, lost and lonely
I just need someone to hold me

You'll find nothing above,
so might as well go, below me.