Monday, June 12, 2017


It was Chandra's birthday party on the weekend.  I helped set up, but I didn't go.  I felt so tired and depressed that I felt like she would have a better time without me.  Some of her friends that were going to be there, I really didn't want to see and I couldn't imagine myself faking a smile for a night.  I've also been quitting drinking, more or less, I knew if I had anything, it probably would have lead me to saying something I'd regret.  I've also got this fucking athletes foot/jock itch driving me crazy and I decided to try a different product to clear it up.  So I went home and had a date with an antifungal cream.

I think I was feeling upset with myself because I told her I'd be taking steps towards

-Quitting drugs

-Going to school

-Getting a new job

and I haven't done anything.

I feel like I have a great potential that I am not fully realizing.  I don't care if it's an ego thing, I don't feel like it is... I think I have a strong mind and it should be put to use in the right place.  At least, I need to feel like I'm working towards something I chose and I believe in.

I've been thinking about talking to a doctor about being depressed but part of me knows that they're just going to give me drugs.  The reasons why I'm sad, I don't feel like it's abnormal, like I should feel sad and drugs are not the answer.

I don't feel happy about where we're going as a society.  I don't like building homes for an ever-growing, wasteful, self-indulgent species.  I try to live with minimal requirements, everything I own is a hand-me-down, I don't travel.  I mean, I'm kind of a bum, but, I feel like I might have my reasons.  Society wants me to go work 9-5, buy a big house, bigger t.v, etc... we just end up in a cycle of desire and our eyes are blind to the world that we're ignoring.

I never had any children, (that I know of).  I've seen a lot of people dedicate their lives to their children.  I had been working for Chandra and Tal, but I guess, it wasn't enough, and now I have nothing.  I have a cat that I come home to that I love, maybe too much.

Leaving this planet without any kids could be one of the best things that I can do for the Earth.  I wonder though, all the other people having kids, will they raise them the way I would?  Or are they feeding them the same, "God gave us all of the plants and animals for us to use." bullshit that my parents fed me?  Will they have the money to have a big family and continue to spread their ignorant ways across the planet.  Will I die building big homes for their children while I scrape by in some tiny house?

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