Friday, June 9, 2017

lost and lonely

Every morning I've been heading to a park that's close to me and I play a round of disc golf.  It's very therapeutic, I like to get out and play without worrying about anyone in the way.  I take my time and watch the animals.  My cat has gotten used to waking me up very early.  I keep letting her so she probably thinks she's doing a good job.  This morning, the sun was just barely up, I leaned over and saw her out like a light, sleeping hard.  I started petting her, gave her that signature, "what the?! oh it's you." purr/meow.

I really like my cat.  My (ex?) girlfriend's daughter is letting me watch her.  I don't know if my admiration for my cat is just how I am or if it's because it came from Tal.  I miss them a lot...  I saw them yesterday, helping Chandra move a dishwasher.  I felt like I was being used, but it was still nice to see them.

I washed my face when I got there, I hadn't had taken the time to wash up after work and it gave me an opportunity to cry.  Every time I go there, I struggle to keep myself together.  I appreciate being there but it hurts sometimes.

I told her that maybe we're not right for each other.  It's been almost a year of living apart and I don't get why we're living in this state of limbo.  She wants me to get my shit together but as far as quitting pot and working more, I haven't been doing it.  I've tried and failed a few times.  I promised that I'd take steps towards going to school and finding another job that I enjoy.  I haven't been doing anything with that.  She thinks we are right for each other and wants me to work on myself.

I've been thinking about looking for help.  There are some online sections that I could post in.

I think I need to move.  My neighbor is always offering to get me high, it's all he ever wants to do.  He's a nice guy and good friend but as far as getting away from weed, he only encourages me to give up on that idea.  I want to be strong, when I quit smoking cigarettes, I did it while living with a smoker.  It's not easy, but I managed that.

Pot is a drug that I've gotten really comfortable with.  I quit (sorta) drinking this year and it's not that big of a deal.  Pot is something that I've quit but every few months it keeps coming back.

I might not be able to quit it when it's so easily accessed.  Moving would make it easier.

Every morning, I get ideas on things to write about while playing disc golf.  I never get around to it though, usually when I'm done my round I have to go to work.  It seems like a topic that I always blog/journal about is quitting weed and working more.  I guess I don't expect anyone to ever read this so I use it as a pep talk to myself.  The results are usually the same.

I smoke too much pot and skip on work too much.

Lately, I've been playing so much disc golf that a hip that I've had problems with for a long time has been acting up.  I'll get sharp pains going up and down ladders, especially when I'm holding any weight.  It's been really hot and I get these itchy spots in sweaty areas.  Once it gets to the afternoon, I'm usually finding ways to bail and get away.

I wanted to go swimming yesterday, I thought it would be a good way to help get rid of the excess sweat and cool off.  After doing some work in the morning, I got a call from Chandra in the afternoon.  That's when she asked for help.  I didn't want to tell her that I wanted to go be a beach bum for the afternoon so I reluctantly agreed to help her.

She already has a dishwasher, she didn't like the look of the old one and said it wasn't good enough.  She always complained about "stainless steel" appliances because they're harder to clean but that's the kind she got.  I don't have shit, I don't get help for shit, I do my dishes with my old-ass looking dish pan hands and I'm fine with that.

She had these bruises on her arms.  She said they were from a door falling on her but they really looked like finger marks, like someone was holding her down.  I noticed a similar bruise pattern from much earlier in our relationship, when we were still dating.  I wondered if she was seeing someone else and if that person was rough with her.  Now I'm thinking that she's seeing this person again.  I hate suspicions like this.  I don't know if writing this down is the best idea.  I don't want to send the wrong message from just a feeling.  Does it matter?

What's the point in anything?

I'm confused, lost and lonely
I just need someone to hold me

You'll find nothing above,
so might as well go, below me.

No comments: